Life Lately: Line of thought.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Do you ever feel so sad all of a sudden?
 When you look back, you just wonder what if?
   Ah.. that evil question.
     What if?
        This is toxic.
           I shouldn't stay in its realm or else I won't be able to escape.
              Stop. No. Just don't go there.
I don't like this.
  I don't like where my train of thoughts are heading.
    It makes me doubt every decision I have made in my life.
      Feels like nothing is working alright for me.
        Even that rechargeable fan I just bought yesterday.
Maybe this just hormones, right?
 But no. No?
  It kind invalidates my feelings if that's the case, right?
   Ah... Why? Am? I? Questioning? Every? Thing?
It made me go insane, says the song I'm currently listening to.
I don't know what I'm really talking about.
 What I want you to know.
   This is just what I'm really thinking as of the moment.
     I feel so lost.
It's been awhile since the last time I updated.
 And this is what I could come up.
  I don't like using this and in as much I want to avoid saying this but,
   I really don't know what I should do.
    It feels like I'm running out of time and I want to do everything all at once.
      And I know, I can't do that.
       It's impossible.
         But everything around me tells me to hurry up.
           Existential crisis at its finest.
I'm smart.
 But I kept saying  I don't know.
  And it makes me an idiot.
  But it's true. I don't really know what to do with my life.
  What I should do..
   What I need to achieve.
     I keep making plans, writing goals..
       But it makes me wonder every time if they are what I needed to do.
It started from this..
 Does he truly like me?
  I don't like doubting him but I always ended up doing so.
   When just a slight change in his actions make me think this.
   Maybe the past truly traumatized me.
   It changed the way I think.
   It's difficult for me to trust anything and everything, even myself.
I'm too aware.
 I'm too observant.
  This must stop.
    I should live in the moment.
     But how?
I don't know.
This should end.
I'll be back with a more meaningful content than this.
But for now, please excuse me.

TYL Vol 2: Happiness and Clarity

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Thank you, Spotify for making such playlist. Hihi
Whether it's just a playlist of my fave boy band or a simple cup of coffee jelly, they can somehow give me some sort of happiness. For a moment, I could forget the things that take over my head. 


I sometimes liked it when a situation can prove my earlier thoughts wrong and when it gave me some realizations I could apply in my life. Like what happened earlier. I was feeling soooo lazy the whole day that I thought of backing out last minute in a planned gala with my friends that afternoon. Pinag-isipan ko kung sisimulan ko na lang ba yung Episode 11 ng Life on Mars or hindi e. But then, I thought otherwise kahit nagsusumigaw talaga na yung inner self ko na wag nang tumuloy. And I can say na worth it naman ang pagsuko ko ng isang episode ng Life on Mars at least kahit papano, nailabas ko ung ibang frustrations ko in life and some untold stories na gusto kong ishare sa mga kaibigan ko. Though naubos ung reserba kong social skills energy ko. Being an introvert has its downside din talaga hehe. After talking with them, for some reason, parang nabunutan ako ng tinik. I feel lighter and nawala yung gumugulo sa isip ko. Maybe because of what Aby said to me and me realize so many things.

[Non verbatim] "Yung kailangan mo magfocus sa mga taong nandyan sa tabi mo lagi kesa sa mga taong wala naman.", Aby said and it was so enlightening for some reason. Maybe because that helped me answer my earlier question which I wrote in my journal, Am I doing the right thing?. And it somehow ties-in in a verse I read just minutes ago in Our Daily Journey "Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God, our Father (James 1:12-18)"

Our Daily Journey. :)

When I first read the verse, I didn't understand it, even the explanation written along it. I even stopped reading and just did my nightly routine. Then as I was writing the second paragraph of this post and recalling the things that happened today, I just remembered that verse and woah, realization (again) hit me. The funny part was, the verse was intended for August 4 and not today but yeah. Haha.

And so, today is a gift from Him that gave me such happiness even in small things and clarity on my clouded mind.

TYL Vol. 1: For July..

Sunday, July 29, 2018

The National Shrine of the Divine Mercy (Taken with Huji Camera App)

Thank You, Lord for the things that happened this July. In a span of one month, I could say that I've learned so much about myself. It's not to say that I won't be able to learn more in the coming months, but yeah.

Thank You, Lord for being so patient with me. Even if I always get to a point where I question everything around me, You still find ways to make me understand how much You love me.

Thank You for always reminding me that I'm on the right track even if there's stiiiiiiiiiiiiiill a part of me that felt like I'm always on crossroads.

And thank You, Lord for letting me meet someone who I feel will be someone who can understand me, would push and help me to achieve my goals and can put up with someone like me. I know and You know, I'm still not on that stage yet. I hope I can and I hope he's patient enough to wait for me. Honestly, I'm happy.

Note: I'm starting a new series titled TYL which is an abbreviation of Thank You Lord. It's like a letter of gratitude I'm sending to Him. Yes, I could just have a notebook and right them down there, but truthfully, wala kasi akong notebook for this and I have a feeling na baka di ko rin matuloy pag ganon (though may chances rin ang series na to haha) pero ayun. I'm still thinking if weekly or monthly. Hehe. So ayun.

It's been 3 years..

Sunday, July 22, 2018

It became a habit that whenever I opened my Facebook, I would immediately checked my previous posts on the same day from the past years. You know, para pagtawanan ko yung sarili kong kajejehan. Hehe. Through that, it reminded me a milestone I achieved three years ago.

I remember how I waited anxiously for three days after the board examination. It was dreadful. Hindi ko maexplain yung feeling before though di ko pinapahalata. Kunwari chill lang ako pero in reality, it felt like each day was like a judgment day. I wanted to pass but I wasn't really 100% confident I would get the title. Pero nilalaban ko yung doubt dahil gusto ko. It's like want > doubt. Ganon.
Wanting to be a Pharmacist vs My doubt on passing. Aye

Then on July 22, 2015, I got this feeling that they will releaase the results. #Omona. Umaga, wala. Lunch,  wala. Then fate wanted some suspense. NAGBROWNOUT. Nakakaloka! Thank God, we have pocket wifi and it was full charged. Wew! (Pero ang bagal pa rin ng internet). 

While I was browsing my Twitter timeline, one of my classmates posted that she passed the boards. And my heart beat sooo fast. Kala ko nga tumaas na blood pressure ko nun e. Hahaha! We checked PRC's site for the result.. and as expected.. NAGKACRASH YUNG SITE. Jusmio Marimar! Intense. My feels can't calm at that time. And after so many dreadful minutes of waiting... CTRL + F... I saw my name on the list! AHHHHHHHHHH!!

[Honestly, I never thought I would scream and cry upon seeing my name on the list.]

Hindi sapat ang isang status para maexpress ang galak ko noon.
But then, the feeling of joy from three years ago doesn't translate much to the present. Hindi ko kasi alam kung masaya ba akong tunay sa tinahak kong landas. I should be happy, right? But hayy. Minsan, feeling ko dapat talaga pinaglaban ko yung gusto ko (Accountancy) noon pero kadalasan naman kasi naiisip ko na baka may purpose talaga kung bakit eto yung naging field of work ko sa present. 

Grabe yung turn of events sa post na to. Haha. But seriously, I don't intend to sound negative or ungrateful. It's what I feel right now. Three years na rin kasi since nagsimula na rin akong magwork and I don't know if I achieve something along the way. Char. Maybe there is and I'm just belittling myself. I hope that's the case. Hehe. But yeah..

My take-away from this throwback is that even if you're licensed, it doesn't guarantee that life would be much clearer for you. It may help you find your purpose but as you go through life, you'll realize so many things and from time to time, will make you doubt yourself and the path you have chosen. But never give up. Just take little steps and you'll get there. As they say, slow progress is still progress. We are a working progress.. (lels. I think I should really engrave that in my head so that I won't forget and go through existential crisis again haha)

So yeah, Happy 3 Years, RPh Self. I'm still thankful that I passed and will try my best to be really positive and be proactive in my field of work. (Pero baka nga may iba akong calling? HAHA char.)

Life Lately: It's Saturday and I'm Starting Over Again

Saturday, July 21, 2018

It's raining, and I'm listening to Bolbbalgan4's songs and both give a chill vibe and hm, sadly, it's not translating to me. I ain't chill with this dilemma I'm having (Warning: mababaw lang ang issue ko sa life pero yeah dilemma pa rin hehe).

I started blogging for the sole reason that it'll be like a virtual diary where I could rant anything and everything I could think of and it stayed that way till college. The way I blogged changed when I was on my depressive state during college in which I was soo hesitant to talk to anyone about what's going on with my life and I resorted to simply write them in scribbles or just one-liners, hence the Filtered Words was born. After getting over with what happened before (char nakamove on na nga ba? Yes! hahaha!), I wanted to continue with it but for some reason, I got stuck. I didn't know where to start, what I should write, and what I could share. It felt like if I add something that isn't in line with what has become of my blog,the flow would be ruined. And I don't like that. I realized that maybe, it's really time for me to leave it and make another home for this new chapter of my life. So yeah, this blog. charan~~

Clean slate pero saan magsisimula?
But then.. 

The dilemma is that, after I purchased my domain and made this new site, I am stuck again (di naman ako statue pero lagi akong naistuck sa isang lugar). I don't know what to do, first. I want to flourish but I don't know where to start. I know I should write something but my brain can't think of anything that's worth the first post. Yung pambungad ba sa audience. Para may impact. Hirappp! I'm being impatient and wanted to really be successful agad-agad but I know that beginnings are always this hard and I reaaaaaaaaally need to endure it. Pero hirap talaga eh.

I hoped that as time goes by, I would be able to find my voice for this new home I've made. The voice that'll speak what my mind wants to tell the world, whether it's about my personal life, the movies/dramas I watched or just anything.

On another note, as this is also a life update, so here's what's going on with my life as of the moment (baka lang may magcare sa life ko so ayun, hehe):
  • Finally claimed our (me and my college friends) photo studio pics awhile ago (isang linggo rin tumambay sa studio yun ah hehe).
  • I'm now listening to MeloMance playlist because why not? Hehe.
  • Nagtext na si Engr. Char.
  • I'm thinking if I should watch Meteor Garden (2018) after I finished writing this or any movie I can find in Netflix. Or maybe I should just sleep. Hahaha.
  • I want to watch I Love You, Hater movie in the cinema but at the same time, I'm not really in the mood to watch it either. Hay.
  • I want to buy a piggy bank right now. Hayy..

So yeah, that's it guys. The rain is still pouring and it's really making me a lot more lazy but then I still need to wash the dishes. Haha! So bye for now. Till next post! (wow lakas! ahaha).

Follow my blog with Bloglovin
From Me to You