Life Lately: Line of thought.

Do you ever feel so sad all of a sudden?
 When you look back, you just wonder what if?
   Ah.. that evil question.
     What if?
        This is toxic.
           I shouldn't stay in its realm or else I won't be able to escape.
              Stop. No. Just don't go there.
I don't like this.
  I don't like where my train of thoughts are heading.
    It makes me doubt every decision I have made in my life.
      Feels like nothing is working alright for me.
        Even that rechargeable fan I just bought yesterday.
Maybe this just hormones, right?
 But no. No?
  It kind invalidates my feelings if that's the case, right?
   Ah... Why? Am? I? Questioning? Every? Thing?
It made me go insane, says the song I'm currently listening to.
I don't know what I'm really talking about.
 What I want you to know.
   This is just what I'm really thinking as of the moment.
     I feel so lost.
It's been awhile since the last time I updated.
 And this is what I could come up.
  I don't like using this and in as much I want to avoid saying this but,
   I really don't know what I should do.
    It feels like I'm running out of time and I want to do everything all at once.
      And I know, I can't do that.
       It's impossible.
         But everything around me tells me to hurry up.
           Existential crisis at its finest.
I'm smart.
 But I kept saying  I don't know.
  And it makes me an idiot.
  But it's true. I don't really know what to do with my life.
  What I should do..
   What I need to achieve.
     I keep making plans, writing goals..
       But it makes me wonder every time if they are what I needed to do.
It started from this..
 Does he truly like me?
  I don't like doubting him but I always ended up doing so.
   When just a slight change in his actions make me think this.
   Maybe the past truly traumatized me.
   It changed the way I think.
   It's difficult for me to trust anything and everything, even myself.
I'm too aware.
 I'm too observant.
  This must stop.
    I should live in the moment.
     But how?
I don't know.
This should end.
I'll be back with a more meaningful content than this.
But for now, please excuse me.
Selah Morii