Tonight, I Realized..

Sunday, June 23, 2019

... that He moves in mysterious ways to make you feel that He’s there with you and will not leave you during your dark days (and good days din naman).
I’m in my depressive state today.
I fought with Engr because of a really simple thing (mababaw lang sya talaga pero ewan di ko pinalagpas and I made it really into a big deal). Then enters existential crisis (of all days). It was just messy in my head. All I want at that moment was to run away, to have some peace of mind. Because of that, I cleaned our house (the things you do just to clear your head wew kahit ang init init nung mga oras na yon pero keribels, nageemote ang lola nyo). But somehow it didn’t do much help. My head was still messy. I tried sleeping. But nope...
On the other hand, when Camela shared that she visited my blog, I remarked how it’s still haven’t found its identity. And that’s when I shared my existential crisis which happened after I read this:

From how I’m afraid to take risks to how negativity has ruled my life right now. I even told her how I cheered on her, that positivity is the key when in reality I’m the opposite of what I’m preaching.
Actually, I’m talking to them simultaneously kaya mejo doble yung epekto nung mga realizations ko ngayon:
  • That I’m wrong on how I handle my emotions and actions which caused me to hurt him ng wala sa lugar.
  • That I’m too afraid, too negative that’s why I can’t take risks to do the things I wanted.
  • That I can take just one small step and I could tick off one by one the things on my list.
  • That it’s better to just do it than end up regretting for the what-ifs.
The biggest one was realizing how God listens to my cries. That He’ll find a way to make sure I will know that He’s there. It started when Engr shared two bible verses that is better than other quotes out there (na mas okay pa nga ang bible verses, mas inspirational):
  1. 2 Timothy 1:7 “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”
  2. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
But what really hit me and made me really cried hard was when he shared a link to Our Daily Bread.
“Each one should test their own actions” Galatians 6:4
That’s the verse that I’ve read. And the reflection just... wow. It felt like God’s the one who wrote it just for me especially the ending part:
What talents, spiritual gifts, and blessings has God given you that you’ve forgotten to appreciate? Reflecting on them, how does your heart feel as you return to God? 
Boom. Feels. Open the floodgates. T^T. 
What’s unusual was that, this reflection that I’ve read wasn’t really dedicated for June 22 but for June 21. I don’t know how to explain without me sounding like I’m inventing stories, but that’s what really happened. It seems that God is telling me something and I should listen to Him seriously.
Engr and Camela seems to be God’s instruments to deliver what He would probably tell to me personally. And I thanked them for understanding me and for being patient. Most importantly, God. He stayed when I needed. He hear me and listened to em. And I’m blessed.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I won’t forget this night.
It was fruitful even though I have to cry so much to the point na nagbabara na ilong ko dahil sa sipon haha.
I’m still learning. 
I will still make mistakes, but I hope they won’t give up on me, He won’t give up on me yet.
As they say, our lives are a work in progress. Little progress is still progress diba? Hehe.


*Insert All The Feels I Have Tonight*

Saturday, June 22, 2019

Is this Confession Wednesday? Why do I feel like opening up about myself on this day? Oh well, maybe the stars aligned and blessed me this courage to be myself today (like I needed to be me when I’m already me. Char).
This will be reaally random stuff: just everything and anything I could think of sharing as of the moment. Take note, I’m writing this at 11:33 P.M. So I hope you’ll understand that what I’m going to share are not cohesive and just really, really random stuff related to my life. So yeah.
I think it’s better if I write them in bullet form, right? Yeah, maybe it’s better. Yep I’m [mind]talking while writing and I don’t know if I’m making sense but let’s get it on! Hehe

  • I have so many plans. Soooo many. I want to study for Masters. I want to invest in stocks, in business, in real estate. Akala mo naman ang dami kong pera to afford char. But it’s true. I really want to do them but well, limited financials and I can’t make up my kind what I should prioritize among them. 
  • I should update this blog more often. All those ideas wasted meant a lot of opportunities to grow and improve in this field just fly out of the window. But of course, it’s never too late to start right? But I need to give time for this like reeeeeeeeaaaaalllyyyyy neeed.
  • I confessed to my girl friends about some issues I have with myself that affected my friendship with them. It felt liberating but I feel bad for feeling that way towards them when they do no harm. I really need to be a good and true friend if I really want this to last.
  • I need to start, with anything, for example this article I’m writing. If I want to make this blog look more alive, I need to make time for it and I should not wait for the ideas to materialize with itself. I should take upon me to expand that idea into something I could be proud of.
  • It’s weird to be scolding yourself for the lack of action in my life. It sucks because I’m aware of my failings and it seems I’m not trying hard enough to correct them and to work hard. Ugh why am I like this? It’s frustrating.
  • I have so much more to tell but I’m getting sleepy and it’s gettong really late. I still have work tomorrow.
  • So yeah.
Goodnight everyone! 😊

Life Lately: Under the Weather this Lenten Season

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Fall by Jozelle Francisco
Lenten season! A time to reflect on our actions in the past and to further strengthen our faith to the Lord. And it's the time, I realize that I'm a lonely person.

Ang lungkot lang. Ang lungkot ko pala. Ngayon lang nagsink-in na malungkot ako, kasi nakangiti naman ako. Nakakatawa. Pero ewan. For some reason after kong sinabi ang mga yun, parang boom. Parang nagbukas na dam. Lahat-lahat ng lungkot na meron ako. Di ko alam.
For the past few days, I have been feeling under the weather. Maybe it's the lack of sleep (matulog na kayo!!) or my hormones were acting up (izdiz PMS?). So many thoughts were having a riot inside my head, and they're not helping. I can't focus on my work and just doing other non-work related stuff. Also, I overthink, like OA na sa pag-iisip, nagpapakaadvance.

And I brokedown. When Engr and I were talking about the real reason why I deactivated my Facebook, it opened my dam of feels: my insecurities, a subtle jealousy, my worries, doubt on myself, and my flaws. Then, I cried so hard. I really, really felt sad about myself. Even when I was listening to Sam Concepcion's cheesy song Mahal na Mahal while we were waiting for my milk tea, muntik ko nang iyakan bawat lyrics e. Kakaloka.

I don't know how I was able to calm myself. Maybe my pretense worked? Maybe the Yakult Green Tea? Or my trip to the bathroom (CHAR)? Or maybe, just letting it out helped me relieve the burden I'm carrying. It may seem dependent but it's really nice and comforting to have someone whom you can talk to when you're really down (Salamat Engr! and Bes Melay!)..

I realized that it's not really good to bottle things up and trying to fix it alone, kasi any moment, kapag di mo kinaya, sasabog ka na lang. Lalo na kung dinadagdagan pa ng hormones yung pag-eemo mo naku po. It'll be nice to have a journal where you can write everything (or kahit scratch paper lang) or someone whom you can trust and can be understanding to what you're going through and helped you with it (kahit yung simpleng pakikinig lang sapat na).

Well, the point is, ang drama ko ngayong araw and thankfully, kalmado na ako. Char.

P.S Don't forget to reflect this Lenten season ha! Enjoy the vacation but don't forget the Lord and reflect always. :)

A Belated Reflection

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

2019 Bloom

Hello! Yes, I'm still alive haha!

First of all, I want to greet you all a Belated Happy New Year!! Yey! Another year, another chance to be better! Hehe. Secondly, I'm sorry for the lack of updates and it's sad because so much has happened since the last time I post and it's a waste I wasn't able to share it to you, all. I'm sorry. And lastly, here's a quick summary of the many things 2018 has given to me:
  • Opportunities. I was given the chance by my company to attend some seminars that were related to my work and I really enjoy attending them because I got to meet and interact with other professionals. There's this one memorable training/seminar I attended in September. It was a three-day seminar. It was memorable because from there, I realized how lucky I am to be working in my company right now, and I remember one of my co-trainee (I'm sorry because I forgot her name :( ) saying that I'm on the right track in the field I've chosen. So so grateful. :)
  • Loss. It's sad that in 2018, my grandfather passed. It was sudden and it happened the day after my lola's birthday. I know that he's already with the Lord and with lola na which I assume they are bickering up there but still going to sleep together. Hehe. 
  • Love. Alululululu! Haha. One of my plot twist in 2018. I never expect to meet someone that will pursue me and love me. Pero ayun na nga mga teh at koya! Haha. How ironic because there's a point when I doubted his feelings for me (as stated here) but I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. And I'm happy I did it because I'm at my happiest whenever he's around. He became my best friend and sometimes, he felt like a supportive kuya (HAHAHA). Pero ayun. Hello Engr!
I will love you always, my dear Engr.
January 6, 2019. During my cousin's wedding. <3
That's pretty much the major highlights of my 2018. If 2018 is a ride, it'll definitely be a see-saw as how my start and end of 2018 were contrasting. I may have lost a loved one, a friend and maybe some opportunities, but I gained a lot in terms of the friendships I chose to keep, the person I chose to trust my heart and a lot of good memories.

As all with the other years, 2018 is imperfect but it helped developed the person that I am in 2019. And with this is a letter for my 2019 self:
Dear 2019 Self,

Wag mo pa rin kakalimutan ang sarili mo.
Let this be the year for you to grow more into an amazing woman you are destined to become.
Cherish every moment. Be kind.
Be the greater person. Love selflessly without losing yourself in the process.
Alam kong kakayanin mo ang taong to kasi kinaya mo last year.

2018 self. :)
From Me to You